


Breaking Down

by blkkskknhed



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-05
Updated: 2013-12-05
Packaged: 2018-01-03 12:48:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1070636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blkkskknhed/pseuds/blkkskknhed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His mother told him once that happiness was a fleeting thing.</p><p>But this, this was born out of grief.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breaking Down

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is but I know that it was born out of grief. 
> 
> I have had the most unimaginable few days and I can only apologise if this reads terribly.
> 
> To be honest, it does not bother me much if no one reads this, I wrote this for myself and that is enough for me.
> 
> Much love. 
> 
> <3

Loki doesn’t believe in God. 

He doesn’t believe in a Higher Being, in a Father to all people.

He doesn’t believe in forgiveness or redemption or mercy or the saving of one’s soul.

There is no Hel, no Valhalla.

All he has is this life.

And now it must end.

 

. 

 

They were best friends.

Before any of the rest of it, before they became lovers, before they became enemies they were friends.

Oh, the games they would play! The games they would play and the rooms they would fill with their infectious laughter.

They were two beautiful princes and were admired by many. They made their parents and the whole of Asgard proud. Thor was bright and sunny and Loki was quick and charming. They made a wonderful duo, everyone said so.

When they were together they were invincible. They slayed imaginary dragons together and hunted invisible giants. They would explore the grounds of the palace together as if it were all the Nine. They made alliances with elves and found true love on Midgard. They fought armies of dwarves and built homes for their families in Vanaheim. 

And every night, Loki would climb into his bed and they would tell each other stories of all the great adventures that were to come, of the princesses they would both wed and the children they would have.

“I cannot wait.” Thor would exclaim excitedly. “I cannot wait to become a man and for you to fight alongside me, brother.”

And Loki’s heart would swell with pride as Thor held him closer.

They may have had their differences but they were friends.

Best friends.

.

 

Loki can’t hear them. 

He can’t hear Odin but he can see his mouth moving, shaping words that were most definitely cruel and not kind.

He is pinned to the ground and he can see them, out of the corner of his eye he can see them sniffing, their watery eyes blinking uncertainly and if Loki only could, if he had any strength at all, he would fight.

But he can’t.

He is completely numb.

And their mouths are open and he knows that they are calling for him.

Loki can’t hear them.

And he is most grateful.

 

.

 

They had been happy. 

In all their centuries together, and there had been many, they had finally found true happiness.

It tasted just as Loki imagined it would. His life had suddenly seemed pure, cleansed even. Gone were all his wrong-doings of the past, of which there were a multitude and yet all that mattered was Thor and his undiluted love for him.

Loki had felt safe. For the first time since he was but a boy, Loki had felt as if he belonged, as if he were wanted.

Those voices, those dreaded, hateful voices that filled his mind until he felt as if he could not think, were finally gone. 

Loki was at ease. 

He was at ease and he was happy and he felt true peace.

They were happy.

 

.

 

Loki thinks he can smell the thunder.

He lies on his back at looks at the dark clouds turning overhead and he thinks that he can smell it.

Odin is shouting something, something incomprehensible and Loki feels it when Thor rises from the ground. 

The earth shifts and suddenly Loki feels alone.

He can just make out Thor limping away, towards their fathers side and Loki wants to hiss at him, he wants to scream at him to come back but he finds that his tongue is swollen in his mouth. 

But he can smell the thunder, can feel Thor’s distress.

 

.

 

His mother once told him that happiness was a fleeting thing.

“It is something you should grasp with both hands when you find it.” She had advised one bright summer’s day.

And it had been a day that truly belonged to summer. Loki would never forget the heat or the humidity. The smell of the flowers that were scattered about the arena. The slightly unpleasant odour of sweat from the warriors that were sparring.

Thor.

He had been standing in the middle of the arena, victorious as usual. He had been wielding that hammer of his above his head and grinning a blinding smile. Loki had been entranced. He eyed that strong muscular form hungrily, admiring the bronzed skin and golden hair. 

Loki wanted. He wanted so badly that he feared it would kill him. 

“Are you happy, my sweet?” Frigga had asked, disturbing Loki.

Loki had glanced at her and shrugged dismissively.

“I am not unhappy.” He had answered carefully.

Frigga had smiled sadly and placed one hand on Loki’s knee lightly.

“Find happiness, my boy. Please die knowing what true happiness is, even if it were only for a moment.”

 

.

 

The earth shakes beneath Loki and he can feel his hearing coming back.

Words. 

He can make out words but they make no sense to him.

He turns his head groggily and sees that Thor can barely stand. In his hands is Mjolnir and if Loki could laugh, he would.

Because he knows what is coming next.

The final blow.

 

.

 

Frigga died and Loki feared he would never know happiness at all.

Because it had felt as if someone had ripped his heart from his chest and set it alight before his very eyes.

He nearly went insane with grief. 

Then, the night they had held her funeral celebration, that very night, Thor had kissed him.

It had not been the kiss of two brothers. It had been hungry and desperate and bitter. It had been everything that Loki had needed and very suddenly Thor became his anchor, his unmovable object. Thor had kissed him in his chambers and when Loki had pulled away, he had watched his younger brother anxiously.

“I did not know how to say it, seeing as words have always been your weapons. I chose to act.” He had whispered.

Loki would have laughed had it not been for the fact that she was dead. 

He kissed Thor instead, deciding that every once and a while actions can triumph words.

 

.

 

Oh Gods.

The whining. 

Loki can hear them whimpering, he can smell their fear and it twists at his heart and punches at his gut.

He desperately tries to make eye contact at Thor, tries to shout, to scream, to make some sort of noise to let Thor know that he is here and that he is alive.

He tries to move his body but nothing will work for him and Thor is getting closer and Loki feels tears burning his eyes because not here, not now where they can see.

Loki starts to pray.

Not now, not now, not now, not now.

 

.

 

It had been true love, Loki is sure of it.

He had never felt like that with another person. Thor had made him feel safe and wanted and cherished and loved. 

Sigyn had made him feel bitter and dark and angry and unhappy. That spiteful bitch had twisted his soul in ways that Loki feared were irreversible.

But Thor. 

Thor was good and noble and kind and had known Loki in ways that no one did. He had accepted Loki for who he was and who he hoped to become.

Loki wanted to be good for him. He wanted to make Thor proud. 

When they made love, Loki wanted to please Thor. He wanted to make Thor shout out his name again and again until it was the only name to escape those lips, until Thor forgot about every other lover he had ever had. 

Loki was good at that. He was good at pleasing Thor.

But Loki couldn’t be good for him. 

There was something in Loki, something dark, something he could not control that forced him to fight with Thor, to hurt Thor, to upset Thor.

But Thor accepted it because he loved him.

And Loki loved him too. 

So much.

 

.

 

Loki’s head spins as Thor nears. 

It can’t happen now, not whilst they are here. 

The earth shakes and moves and Loki can feel the tears pouring down his cheeks as he silently begs, begs Thor to have the sense to move them out of harms way.

Thor stops by his side and if Loki could scream, he is sure it would shatter glass.

He waits for the blow that does not come. 

Instead he looks up into those blue eyes and sees that Thor is crying too.

The tears come thickly and quickly and Loki can’t hear him properly but he can make out the words ‘I am sorry’ being repeated over and over and Loki wants to reach up and just touch him, just tell him that it is not his fault but he can’t.

Loki blinks in surprise as Thor moves away and wonders what is happening when suddenly his stomach drops.

No.

 

.

 

Loki would have done anything for Thor, anything at all.

That is why he decided to gift him with children. He knew that Thor wanted some and he also knew that that desperate Midgardian woman could not give him any.

So Loki did.

He fell pregnant and Thor had been overjoyed. Loki had been delighted by Thor’s pleasure and grew vulnerable. He became sentimental and saw no wrong in sharing their news with Odin.

Loki wished he had been wiser, that he had not been taken over by Thor’s exuberance.

Odin, to his credit, had not raised his voice. 

He did not curse, he did not damn.

He had simply raised one unsteady finger and pointed at the door behind them.

“Get. Out.”

It was Thor who had brought down a thunderstorm that threatened to destroy Asgard. 

And it was Thor who had pushed and pushed at Odin until the older man had risen from his seat, shaking with anger.

“You are monsters and your children shall be too!” he had roared causing the walls to tremble.

Loki can remember Thor grabbing his arm and pulling them out of the throne room. 

He can remember holing up inside a cave in Jotunheim where Thor had held him every night, promising that everything would be alright, swearing that he loved him and would always love him. He remembers feather-light touches and kisses that burned his skin. 

He can remember the fear. The terror of going into labour and birthing what looked like two wolf pups. 

He can remember the look of horror on Thor’s face as the most almighty of thunderstorms shook their cave and disturbed their children.

“He cursed our babies.” Loki had whispered, unable to keep the tears from his eyes.

“He shall not get away with this!” Thor had snarled.

But he did.

 

.

 

Loki finally summons enough energy to emit some sort of broken cry as Thor approaches their children. The God of Thunder looks over his shoulder with a twisted look on his face as tears pour openly down his cheeks.

He mouths something at Loki but Loki just shakes his head, making another sort of shrieking sound as he desperately searches for whatever magic is left to protect their young.

He can hear their whining, the soft sounds of their crying. He can hear Thor crying too, great, loud gasping sobs that seem to fill the air until there is no air left to breathe.

Loki claws at his own neck and wills whatever God is watching to help them, help them please.

“I am sorry, I am so sorry.” 

He can hear Thor choking and Loki wishes he were dead. He does not want to witness this, to have any part in it. He thrashes on the ground, enough so that Odin approaches him, dropping to a crouch beside him.

“It is for your own good.” He whispers.

And Loki knows he would slit his throat there and then if he had the energy.

One great thud hits the earth and Loki can hear Fenrir screaming as his brother is slayed. 

And it hurts, how it desperately hurts him. He squeezes his eyes shut but Odin turns his head and forces his eyes open so that he has no choice but to watch the murder of their second child.

Thor is a mess and Loki wonders why he doesn’t turn the hammer on himself. He knows that he would rather slit his own throat than his kill his children.

Thor delivers another blow that silences the ear-piercing screams of Fenrir and Loki vomits.

He vomits and heaves until there is nothing more left in his stomach. Thor has collapsed to the ground beside him, his large shoulders shaking as he sobs uncontrollably, the blood of their children dripping from his hands.

“Kill me.” Loki begs when he finally finds his voice. “Let me die too.”

“Loki, no!” Thor shouts, looking up at their father wildly. “You promised you would not hurt him!”

Odin looks between his sons before speaking.

“To kill you would be too easy, Loki. It is only through grief that you will learn my pain.”

Loki frowns and stares up at him.

“Learn your pain?” He hisses. “You know not this kind of pain.”

“I do, for I too had two sons. Now I have none.” Odin answers sadly. “My two beautiful boys were replaced by monsters .”

“Father-” Thor begins but Odin cuts across him.

“I am not your father. My sons are dead.”

 

.

 

Loki stares up at the blood red sky above him and listens to Thor’s unsteady breathing beside him.

All he had was this life.

Now he wishes it would just end.


End file.
